Monday, June 20, 2005

Book Review: The Ice Candyman by Bapsi Sidhwa



Bapsi Sidhwa's Ice Candyman figures among the top Indian novels, mostly popularised by Deepa Mehta's eminently watchable film' Earth' based on the novel. Ice Candyman reminds the reader of the Diary of Anne Frank – a very touching tale told by the protagonist of the harrowing time and the horrors faced by the Jews in Germany. While the Diary of Anne Frank is a very serious narration of her traumatic experiences, Ice Candyman has its moments of mirth and lighter vein.

Ice Candyman has been written in present tense as seen through the eyes of an 8-year-old girl who grows into a precocious child as she is the star witness to the indulgence of adults and elders. She is given all the freedom in the world to roam about with her Ayah and her paramours. The Ayah interacts without inhibitions with her companions like Ice candyman, masseur, knife sharpener, butcher etc. She has to contend with the antics of her admirers without much ado; perhaps she secretly enjoys the same, sometimes with a sense of shame. She is infatuated with the masseur while the Ice candyman is isolated as jilted lover filled with diabolic vengeance which is expressed in the later part of the story.
The book candidly describes various aspects of lower strata of society in pre-partition Punjab, particularly, Lahore, the constituent members being the Ice Candyman himself, masseur, sweeper, butcher, knife-sharpener, gardener, cook and other riff-raffs. The means of pastime for these people were ogling at Ayah and touching her in various ways, snatching the Dhoti of gardener Hari, prattling politics, pelting the politicians with venomous verbiage etc. Her friends circle represents different communities viz. Hindus, Sikhs, Muslims, Pathans and Parsi. They had bonhomie among themselves till the partition broke out.

Bapsi Sidhwa is a very skillful narrater. The description of events in the novel is down to earth. Scarcely anything is camouflaged as far as the thinking and experience of an 8-year-old girl is concerned who watches the goings on in the bedroom, lounge, park, road or her hiding place etc. Child psychology and child behaviour has been very competently interwoven by the writer in her story telling. She is able to bring out the frivolous side of Parsi community together with the dark deeds of the characters so ably developed in the novel. Her sketching of street fighting, mob fury and the holocaust of partition is indeed superb. She skillfully depicts the scene and activities in Hiramandi, the wellknown dwelling of prostitutes in Lahore. The description is very graphic as she draws up the bazar scene: "The covetous glances Ayah draws educate me. Up and down, they look at her. Stub- handed twisted beggars and dusty old beggars on crutches drop their poses and stare at her with hard, alert eyes. Holy men, masked in piety, shove aside their pretences to ogle her with lust. Hawkers, cart-drivers, cooks, coolies and cyclists turn their heads as she passes, pushing my pram, with the unconcern of the Hindu goddess she worships".
Sidhwa is a great architect of phrases; she is not hampered by the paucity of expressions as may be evident from her sketching of the protagonist's mother when she tries to massage her polio-affected foot: "Ever since Col. Bharucha tugged at my tendon and pressed my heel down in the Fire Temple, Mother massages my leg. I lie diagonally on the bed, my small raised foot between her breasts. She leans forward and pushes back the ball on my foot. She applies all her fragile strength to stretch the stubborn tendon. Her flesh, like satin, shifts under my foot. I gaze at her. Shaded by the scarf her features acquire sharper definition. The tipped chin curves deep to meet the lower lip. The lips, full, firm, taper from a lavish "M' in wide wings, their outline etched with the clarity of cut rubies. Her nose is slender, slightly bumped: and the taut curve of her cheekbones is framed by a jaw as delicately oval as an egg. The hint of coldness, common to such chiselled beauty, is overwhelmed by the exuberant quality of her innocence. I feel she is beautiful beyond bearing Her firm strokes, her healing touch. The motherliness of Mother. It reaches from her bending body and cocoons me. My thighs twitch, relaxed Her motherliness. How can I describe it? While it is there it is all-encompassing, voluptuous. Hurt, heartache and fear vanish. I swim, rise, tumble, float, and bloat with bliss. The world is wonderful, wondrous and I a perfect fit in it. But it switches off, this motherliness. I open my heart to it. I welcome it. Again. And again. I begin to understand its on-off pattern. It is treacherous.”

She has very deftly painted the destruction wrought by the riots. She writes:
"Every bit of scrap that can be used has been salvaged from the gutted shops and .tenements of Shalmi and Gowalmandi. The palatial bungalows of Hindus in Model Town
and the other affluent neighbourhoods have been thoroughly scavenged. The first wave of looters, in mobs and processions has carried away furniture, carpets, utensils, mattresses, clothes. Succeeding waves of marauders, riding in rickety carts, have systematically stripped the houses of doors, windows, bathroom fittings, ceiling fans and rafters. Casual passers-by, urchins and dogs now stray into the houses to scavenge amidst spiders' webs ~: and deep layers of dust, hoping to pick up old newspapers and cardboard boxes, or any other leavings that have escaped the eye and desire of the preceding wave of goondas…
In Rosy-Peter's compound, and In the gaunt looted houses opposite ours, untended gardenia hedges sprawl grotesquely and the lawns and flower beds are overrun with weeds. There are patches of parched cracked clay in which nothing grows. Even the mango and banyan trees look monstrous, stalking the unkempt premises with their shadows A window boarded with newspaper, a tattered curtain, a shadow of someone passing and the murmur of strangers' voices keep us away It is astonishing how rapidly an uninhabited house decays. There are cracks in the cement floor of the Singhs' annexe and big patches of damp on the walls. Clouds of mosquitoes rise in dark corners and lizards cleave to the ceilings. It looks like a house pining for its departed -haunted -like Ayah's eyes are by memories of Masseur. She secretly cries. Often I catch her wiping tears."

While Bapsi Sidhwa, being herself witness to the horrific scenes in Lahore, as a child, has been able to prepare a genuine and sanguine canvas, her portrayal of Ice Candyman is :1 simply superb. He is a colourful character with a lot of versatility; he can act as a birdman and a god man and eventually as a goonda and a poetic pimp. As his endeavours to win over Ayah, the supreme seductress of the plot, meet with failure, he becomes an intensely jealous rival of the masseur and forever keeps a vigil over the goings on between the Ayah and the masseur. He eventually stoops to his lowest in arranging for the kidnapping of his beloved by the muslim mob. With the increasing tension in various communities, particularly enhanced with the arrival of train from India containing corpses, the Ice Candyman becomes bitter and a diabolic change is perceptible in his deportment. His infatuation with Ayah is maddening, rather insane, as he has no scruples in submitting her to th.e lumpens but wants to preserve her in the Kotha in all the paraphernalia of a prostitute. When the Ayah is rescued from the Kotha, the Ice Candyman is miserable and goes off his rockers. He pursues Ayah towards the Indian side of the border.

In her scheme of things, Sidhwa has given the pride of place to Rodabai, nicknamed as godmother, an ardent well-wisher of the protagonist "She sits by my side stroking me, smiling, her eyes twinkling concern, in her grey going-out sari; its pretty border of butterflies pinned to iron strands of scant, combed-back hair. The intensity of her attention is narcotic. I require no one else". From Chapter 17, godmother and his family plays a pivoted role not only in rescuing Ayah but also sustaining the interest of the reader in the entire story. In the film, godmother and her clan is conspicuously absent, perhaps because the producer Deepa Sahi decided to keep the theme riveted to the holocaust. In fact, the aftermath of the lifting away of Ayah is not shown in the film. The alacrity and intensity of purpose displayed by godmother in relieving Ayah from the cluthces of the Kotha syndrome is indeed marvellously spelt out: 'Affected at last by Godmother's stony silence, Ice-candyman lowers his eyes. His voice divested of oratory, he says, 'I am her slave, Baijee. I worship her. She can come to no harm with me.' 'No harm?' Godmother asks in a deceptively cool voice - and arching her back like a scorpion its tail, she closes in for the kill. 'You permit her to be raped by butchers, drunks, and goondas and she has come to no harm?'

Ice-candyman's head jolts back as if it's been struck. 'Is that why you had her lifted off -let hundreds of eyes probe her -so that you could marry her? You would have your own mother carried off if it suited you! You are a shameless badmash! Nimakharam! Faithless!'

'Yes, I'm faithless!' Stung intolerably, and taken by surprise, Ice-candy-man permits his insolence to confront Godmother. 'I'm a man! Only dogs are faithfull! If you want faith, let her marry a dog!' 'Oh? 'What kind of man? A royal pimp? What kind of man would allow his wife to dance like a performing monkey before other men? You're not a man, you're a low- born, two-bit evil little mouse!'... 'You have permitted your wife to be disgraced! Destroyed her modesty! Lived off her womanhood!' says Godmother as if driven to recount the charges before an invisible judge. 'And you talk of princes and poets? You're the son of pigs and pimps! You're not worth the two-cowries one throws at lepers!'

Humorous situations created by Sidhwa appear to be pedestrian and hardly. rib-tickling although hilarious in the stated circumstances. The humour is, in fact, more frivolous than anything else as it is attributed to menial workers. Even the humour of Parsi society gentlemen leaves much to be desired -the real wit, satire and humour is somehow missing perhaps because the characters in the story are incapable of generating the same, although one of the book reviewer declared the humour of the novel refreshing: the jokes in the dinner party at his house, the satire or sarcasm in the Parsi gathering are stale: "Who does this Gandhi think he is?" Shouts an obliging wisecrack promptly from somewhere in the middle. "Is it his grandfather's ocean?" … I’ll tell you a story,' the colonel says, and susceptible to stories the congregation and I sit still in our seats. 'When we were kicked out of Persia by the Arabs thirteen hundred years ago, what did we do? Did we shout and argue? No!' roars the colonel, and hastily provides his own answer before anyone can interrupt. 'We got into boats and sailed to India!' 'Why to India?' a totally new wit sitting at the end of my bench enquiries. 'If they had to go some place why not Greece? Why not to France? Prettier scenery...' 'They didn't kick us hard enough,' says Dr. Mody, with hearty regret. 'If only they'd kicked us all the way to California... Prettier women!'

The high profile Gandhinagar Book Club recently reviewed in detail the Ice Candyman. One of the senior members Vinay Sharma, who lived in Lahore during his childhood and narrated his experience of the partition. He said that the book scarcely spells out the glory that was Lahore; it was a vibrant society where all communities lived peacefully. There was no question of neighbours attacking and looting neighbour contrary to what. has been indicated by Sidhwa in her story. Moreover, the kind of dining room brawl between the Sikh gentleman and the British IG of Police as described in the book was inconceivable in the higher echelons of society in Lahore.

Bapsi Sidhwa projects her view point through the mind of the child Lenny and succeeds in belittling Indian leaders like Gandhi and Nehru. To her credit, it may be said that even Jinnah was hardly spared. About Gandhi, she writes: "He is knitting. Sitting crosslegged on the marble floor of a palatial veranda, he is surrounded by women. He is small, dark, shrivelled, old. He looks just like Hari, our gardener, except he has a disgruntled, disgusted and irritable look, and no one'd dare pull off his dhoti! He wears only the loin-cloth and his black and thin torso is naked Considering he has not looked my way even once I am enraged by his observation. 'An enema a day keeps the doctor aways,' he crows feebly, chortling in an elderly and ghoulish way, his slight body twitching with glee, his eyes riveted upon my mother."

"Jinnah is incapable of compliments. Austere, driven, pukka-sahib accented, deathly ill: incapable of cheek-kissing. Instead of carnations he wears a karakuli cap, sombre with tight, grey lamb's-wool curls: and instead of pale jackets, black achkan coats. He is past the prime of his elegant manhood. Sallow, whip-thin, sharp-tongued, uncompromising. His training at the Old Bailey and uncompromising."

The crude Punjabi abuses and swearwords have been literally translated into English and mercifully, the amazingly expressive vocabulary of the English language has been skillfully used to express certain obscene events in a fashion acceptable to the discerning reader.
Certain phrases used in the book may provide good material to Sabira Merchant for her "What is the good word" programmes. Some examples:
Page # 2: Englishman quietly dissolves up the driveway from which he had so enthusiastically sprung.
Page # 4: Col. Bharucha is cloaked in thunder. Page # 7: Clucking clusters.
Page # 8: Officiating and anxious energy of Electric aunt. Page # 9: Soak in the commiserate clucking of tongues
Page # 27: Ice Candyman drapes his lank and flexible length on another bench. Page # 28: he represents a shady, almost disreputable type.
Page # 31: Astonishing tidal wave of relief and frivolity barrels over the world.
Page # 50: tossing a thin of disk of wheat on the fire until it is swollen with trapped air.

The writer has very interestingly translated some Hindi/Urdu idioms into English as they are used by various characters of the story. Some illustrations:

Page # 45: I'll chew you up and I won't every burp!
(Main kachcha chaba jaoonga aur dakaar bhi nahin loonga)
Page # 55: "Don't you think it's time their hands are painted yellow". (Ab inke haath peele kar dene chahiye)
Page # 76: They are from prosperous eating drinking households". (Wah Khate Peete gharon ke hain)
Page # 116: "Small mouth, big talk". (Chhota mooh badi baat:)
Page #158: "No one will touch a hair on your head". (Koi tumhara baa! bhi baanka nahin kar payega)

The novel is literally sprinkled with poetry pieces of Urdu poets but do not appear to be facilitating the flow of the story line.

An important point which may be noted is that the Pakistani writer has shown Hindus and Sikhs as the oppressors; while the converse is true in the case of stories written by Indian writers on partition, But the fact remains that Ice Candyman is an eminently engrossing and readable book.

What the Stars Foretell

In good humour, and with apologies to all, particularly astrologers!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 - Jan. 20)


A LUCKY period – but you will be under tension due to the Clean Cash Book falling in arrears. A stinker may be received from Regional Office for not sending the Weekly Abstract in time. Your transfer to the place of your choice is likely to be put off indefinitely. Twelfth will be a good day for meeting prospective depositors. Recovery drive initiated on the 27th will be fruitful. Owners of second-hand vehicles may have to shell out substantial amounts for unforeseen repairs. You may forget to send the Performance Report to Regional Office.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 20)


EXPENSES will mount as your better half will want to go on a buying spree. Children will insist on buying chocolates. You may have to take advance against term deposit. There may be complications on the home front if you refuse to buy cinema tickets in black. Clear the backlog of shuttle memos by 28th. You may have pretend scooter breakdown for explaining late arrival at Office. Flirtation with a female colleague may result in a long-lasting relationship. For luck, always keep a piece of coal in your hip pocket

PISCES (Feb. 21 - March 21)


IN the next few weeks, you may be under great pressure from the staff for granting overtime but take care not to give any false assurances. Follow the beaten path as any adventurous action may land you in the soup. Curb your tendency to make wrong additions and subtractions. Those working at the ledgers should be cautious in their dealings with customers. You may be able to lay your hands on a moth-eaten copy of circular issued in 1960 regarding compilation of opinion reports.

ARIES (March 22 - April 21)


WIND up all important tasks relating to house-keeping. There is a strong indication of the Deputy Branch Inspector visiting your Branch around 18th. You should be extra-careful in scrutinising proposals received through the D.I.C. One of your disgruntled borrowers may refuse to send his car. You may be nominated to a Committee constituted to study the impact of unremunerative current accounts on branch profitability. Local BDO may deliver a bunch of loan applications belonging to villages not adopted by you.

TAURUS (April 22 - May 21)


LAY extra emphasis on accounting efficiency in the next few weeks. Your Branch may be categorised as critical. Daily reports on balancing may have to be sent to controlling authorities. You may be held accountable for a DIR loan of Rs. 250 granted in 1973. The Managers of ADBs may receive boxes from the Stationery Department containing articles relating to Government transactions.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)


YOU will face opposition from your associates this week in regard to officiating powers. Take care you do not rub them up the wrong way. A trying period at work. You may be gheraoed by loan applicants for not extending credit facilities. Your pleas of credit squeeze will be ignored. Constituents may divert their deposits to other banks. The month may prove disastrous for customer service due to prolonged leave of staff members. There may be unusual rush at the drafts issue counter on Saturdays.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23)



DEPOSIT mobilisation drive may be launched in the first week. Some depositors will refuse to accept ball pens and key rings as gifts. Your T. A. Bill pending for the last two years will be passed for payment. Duplicate copy of a return running into 36 pages may have to be rushed to Regional Office by special messenger. Your lucky stone may be the first stone you pick up on your way to office on the 9th.

LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23)


TRANSFER orders to a difficult centre may be received. It may be advisable to go on long leave. A long distance journey is indicated probably for a training assignment. Seek the help of a colleague to balance the ledgers allotted to you. Settle all staff matters on the last Saturday of the month. There may be a windfall in the form of control return forms found in the discarded stationery boxes.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)


GUARD against ill health due to unfiltered water. Curb your expenses or you may have to avail of a gold loan. There is risk of your wife demanding back her ornaments. Avoid arguments on the house front by toeing the line set by your wife and children. Regional Office may insist on immediate despatch of final remarks on the audit report. Drafts Payable Account could be balanced with one stroke.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)


A COLLEAGUE will get a prize posting causing some jealousy. Try not to express your emotions in the interests of old friendship. An old customer complaint will be amicably settled. Some constituents may create complications by refusing to accept non-issuable notes. You may forget your umbrella in a taxi. A reminder may be received for sending control return for loans sanctioned in 1979.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)


A GOOD month to transfer sticky accounts to Protested Bills. Your Regional Manager may visit the Branch in the last week. You may be taken to task for not maintaining the Customer Calls Register. Sizeable sums may have to be donated to the building fund of your children's school. The tap at your residence may go dry and water may have to fetched from the nearby pond.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 22)


YOUR forthright nature may entangle you in a delicate problem concerning a staff member and a customer. Be tactful in dealing with people. If you are a union official, a spate of transfer requests may baffle you in the second week. Those in Controlling Offices may be asked to visit nearby Branches to urgently compile certain returns. If born on 3rd, it may be lucky to wear a red shirt with a yellow collar on Sunday.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Furore in Funny Bank

Background: SBI became the first bank to kick off its Gold Deposit Scheme in 1999. Finance MInister Yashwant Sinha aimed to utilise the 10,000-odd tonnes of idle gold in the country in the hands of individuals, temples and institutions. Depositing idle gold with banks could earn the deposior interest or could serve him as collateral for a rupee loan.



Dolittle: Branch Manager of an urban branch; happy-go-lucky type; He really does very little; jazzily dressed; smokes a pipe; believes in management by deferment; rather henpecked.

Mrs. Rolling-Pin: Affluent wife of Dolittle; acutely conscious of her privileges; staunch supporter of women's lib; domineering; fond of pictures, pets and perfumes.

Slipshod: Accountant of the branch; curious character; has vague idea about banking; wanted to act in films but failed disastrously.

Miss Ambitious: An over-ambitious aspirant preparing to embark on a film career with exaggerated notions about herself.

Mr. Goldman: A loan applicant with an erratic disposition.

(Dolittle enters his chamber, whistling a non-descript tune; sits on his chair with legs resting on the table. Mr. Goldman barges in.)



Goldman: Excuse me. My neighbour told me your bank grants gold loans. In fact, I want to apply for one.
Dolittle: (Sits straight) Sure. You will have to submit an application. Have you brought the gold ornaments?
Goldman: In fact, I want the gold-loan to buy gold ornaments only.


"I wish to apply for a Gold Loan to buy gold!"


Dolittle: (Perplexed) Customers have gone crazy these days!
(to Goldman): The loan can be sanctioned only after you pledge your gold ornaments with the bank.
Goldman: (Indignant) These callous bank officers... they wouldn't help a needy person!
(to Dolittle): If I had the gold, where is the need for me to take a gold loan.
Dolittle: (Scratches his head) Look, gold loans are granted against pledge of gold ornaments and not for buying them.
Goldman: (Gets up to go.) This is nonsense. You should issue a clarification so that the public is not misguided.
Dolittle: Thanks for the suggestion.
(Exit Mr. Goldman. Miss Ambitious saunters in. A whiff of exotic perfume permeates the place.)
Miss. Ambitious: I have come to apply for a loan from your bank.
Dolittle: (Politely) Please sit down. May I know the purpose of the loan proposed by you?
Miss Ambitious: (Gesticulatingly) To embark on a film career - to become a film star.
Dolittle: Splendid. Yours seems to be a unique proposal - rather too radical for our bank. Permit me to consult my field officer. He once acted in films.
Miss Ambitious: (Disbelievingly) Interesting! What was the film and his role?
Dolittle: Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Our worthy field officer acted as the fortieth thief. What a role!
(Slipshod enters.)
Slipshod: You sent for me, sir.
Dolittle: Yes. Miss Ambitious has come with a proposal for you.
Slipshod: (Blushes) But sir, I am already married, with four children.
Dolittle: Don't be silly. She has not come with a marriage proposal. Hers is a proposal of loan for becoming a film star.
Slipshod: I wonder. It may be classified under our Small Business Scheme. But who knows, she may soon be dabbling with crores. In that case, she will have to be classified under large scale.
Miss Ambitious: (Exasperated) Gentlemen, you are trying to put the cart before the horse. I suggest you first grant me the loan and then attempt to classify it.
Dolittle: Slipshod, what do you think of the project?
Slipshod: Sir, no doubt, it will be a major diversification in our advances portfolio (whispers in Dolittle's ear) but there is one snag, sir; she may grow too old to be a heroine by the time the proposal is processed and sanctioned.
Dolittle: Slipshod, you are too pessimistic. (Turning to Miss Ambitious) Madam, who will be your guarantors, if the loan is sanctioned?
Miss Ambitious: (Dramatically) My face and my figure are my two guarantors.
Dolittle: (She appears to be very conceited.) But what will be your stake in the venture, Miss Ambitious?
Miss Ambitious: My future will be at stake. Is that not enough?
Slipshod: (Intervening) He means what will be your contribution to the project?
Miss Ambitious: My contribution will be to the entire film industry. Just wait and see.
Slipshod: Sir, I am afraid she needs training in the basic principles of economics. We may propose to Head Office for sponsoring a special Enterpreneurial Development Programme at our training centre with the help of Film Institute for young females desirous of becoming film stars.

Dolittle: Good idea! This will increase our bank's popularity in the public as well as the film-world,
(Telephone rings. Dolittle picks up the receiver.)
Dolittle: (On phone) Yes sir, what – No loans to be sanctioned – credit sqeeze – resources constraints. Very well, sir (Keeps the receiver.) Miss Ambitious, I am terribly sorry, just received a call from Head Office. We have resources constraints – credit squeeze, you know, we can't entertain your proposal now.
Miss Ambitious: Oh, very disappointing! Everywhere I get the squeeze.(leaves)
(Mrs. Rolling Pin storms into Dolittle's chamber.)
Mrs. Rolling Pin: You are still buried in books and registers. Don't you remember we have to go to movies and only 10 minutes are left?
Dolittle: Be patient, lady. We have to balance the books.
Mrs. Rolling Pin: First try to balance your mind and books will be balanced of their own.
Dolittle: Are you talking of self-balancing ledgers?
Mrs. Rolling Pin: You always think in terms of banking. Your mind is too polluted with bank bunkum.
Dolittle: After all, the bank gives us bread and butter.
Mrs. Rolling Pin: Bread is okay, the butter is, of course, spent on your bosses. I fear you smear them with it.
Dolittle: That is why, this prize posting in the metropolis.
Mrs. Rolling Pin: Prize posting, my foot. Who bothers about you in this place? At least, in that small town, the cinema manager used to repeat the reel whenever we reached late.
Slipshod: And here, sir, the other day you went to buy tickets for Jurassic Park and came back with a tornshirt and a lost shoe.
(Telephone rings. Slipshod picks up the receiver and receives the message)
Slipshod: Sir, the General Manager is visiting this branch in 10 minutes. (Dolittle slaps his forehead and Mrs. Rolling Pin sinks in the chair).

A Devastating Day at Funny Bank


(Impatiently) "Are you people going to open my account? I am fed up."

CHARACTERS
Manager: Mr. Dolittle, a fatheaded fellow who has not quite digested the course of training which he had recently undergone.

Accountant: Mr. Pigsty

Sub-Accountant: Mr. Slipshod

Constituent: Mr. Mulayam Singh - an illiterate villager

Scene: Manager's Chamber: A big table with usual office articles arranged on it. Four chairs untidily placed in front. Mr. Dolittle enters the chamber jauntily smoking a cigar, perches on the chair, comfortably places his legs on the table, and starts reading 'Filmfare'. Messrs. Pigsty, Slipshod and Mulayam Singh enter the chamber helter-skelter, greatly upsetting Mr. Dolittle. He collects himself and tries to gain some poise.


Dolittle: What's the matter? I say what the...
Pigsty: (Stammers) Sir, this man... this man...
Dolittle: Yes, what about this man?
Pigsty: Sir, this is Mr. Mulayam Singh. He wants to open a Savings Bank Account.
Dolittle: (gleefully) So that means some deposits are going to be mobilised. Please; take your seat Mr. Mulayam Singh.
Slipshod: But there is a snag, Sir. Mr. Mulayam Singh is illiterate. We cannot open his account.
Dolittle: (taken aback) Cannot open his account! Are you in your senses! If I remember correctly, there is a recent Head Office circular on this.
Slipshod: I will check up, Sir. (Gets up to go).
Dolittle: (after a pause) This Slipshod is really futile. He is like an 'un-responded debit entry' in the 'Branch Clearing General Account’! (Laughs).
Pigsty: In my opinion Sir, he is a 'current liability'.
Dolittle: Exactly. That is why the 'Tangible net-worth' of the branch is not going up. (Looks towards the door.) He is taking his time
(To the constituent) Mr. Mulayam Singh, in the meantime, you may glance over this magazine. (Hands him the magazine).
Mulayam: (Perplexed). But I can't read.
Dolittle: Oh, I forgot. Anyway, you may see the pictures
(To Pigsty) I think we should subscribe to some pictorial magazines for our illiterate customers and place them on the counter.
Pigsty: (flatteringly). Splendid idea, Sir!
(Slipshod enters with a file. Pigsty grabs it and glances over it hurriedly).
Pigsty: According to this circular we can open the account but; (broodingly) there is a problem.
Dolittle: (Sits on the edge of the chair.) Problem! What is it? Let's 'identify the problem'.
Pigsty: Photograph, Sir, photograph!
Dolittle: What will we do with the photograph and whose photograph? Let us 'clarify the objectives' now. (Looks at chart entitled "Decision making", hanging behind him).
Pigsty: The objective here is to identify Mr. Mulayam Singh by a photograph.
Dolittle: Here you are mixing the issues. We have to identify the problem, and not Mr. Mulayam Singh. Mr. Pigsty, have you mortgaged your brain? This way you will soon become a 'protested bill', I am afraid.
Mulayam: (restively). Why don't you solve my problem for a change?
Dolittle: How can we solve your problem without solving ours? But your problem, in any case, is engaging our attention (pointing towards Filmfare). Have you seen all the pictures?
Slipshod: This damn photograph business!
Dolittle: Oh yes, the photograph. (To Mulayam Singh). Why don't you bring a copy of your photograph?
Mulayam: Photograph! Why do you want my photograph? Is this a marriage bureau?
Dolittle: (To Pigsty). How to convince him? Why don't you drive this point into his head, Mr. Pigsty?
Pigsty: How? With a sledgehammer?
Dolittle: (Again consults the 'Decision- making chart' hanging on the wall behind him). There are no 'alternative courses of action' in your case. I am sorry. A passport size photograph will be necessary for the purpose of identifying you later.
Mulayam: But there is no photographer in this small place:
Dolittle: (Excitedly). I say, it is a first class problem. Head Office should provide us with a camera. I will immediately write a special letter to Head Office for a camera and dark room. Do you know, Mr. Pigsty, I once worked as an apprentice for a photographer.
Pigsty: But sir, there is no accommodation for the dark room.
Slipshod: What is the need for a separate dark room? The whole branch is dark enough. (Dolittle stares at him).
Mulayam: (Impatiently) Are you people going to open my account? I am fed up.
Dolittle: Yes, what about his account?
Slipshod: (Triumphantly). There is one solution to this problem. Mr. Mulayam Singh should be asked to join adult classes. If he becomes literate, the whole problem of the photograph will be eliminated.
Pigsty: Why should not the Bank start these classes? This will increase our popularity in rural areas.
Dolittle: Yes, that's a grand idea. I will write to Head Office about it. Mr. Pigsty, you seem to be having 'conceptual skill' as well as 'quality of the head'.
Pigsty: Thank you sir.
Slipshod: What about me, Sir?
Dolittle: You! There seems to be a wide gap between your capacity and ability. Try to shrink that. May I ask you a question? Do you always rush in where angels fear to tread?
Slipshod: (happily). Of course, I always do, Sir.
Dolittle: I thought as much.
Mulayam: (angrily). You are just empty talkers. I have been waiting here for hours and my account is still not opened. Do you think I can spend my whole life in opening a Bank account? (Leaves the scene in great exasperation, grumbling and cursing).

-Mr. Mathur is Field Officer, Latouche Road branch, Kanpur Circle. )

Beg your pardon

Like millions of others, I am terribly impressed by the versatility of the English language. Very few languages can equip one to convey the maximum with the minimum of words.

Take for example, the phrase "beg your pardon". Though small in size, it can acquire varied nuances and shades of meaning. Generally when you want to say, "Sorry, I could not understand; will you please repeat what you said?” the use of the expression, 'Beg your pardon?' will be sufficient to convey what you mean. The clan of cultured creatures, as also some who are relatively fresh to the behavioural code, use the phrase frequently. To some it comes naturally, while others assiduously cultivate it in suitable tone and tenor. If you are not prone to say 'beg your pardon' at the slightest provocation, probably you do not belong to the cultured community, most of which is drawn from the public schools.

This phrase can be used with vehemence as a weapon of demolition when you want to tell your adversary "you are talking rubbish." Your face should wear the right expression and the phrase should be delivered with venom. The victim at the other end will be put on the defensive. One of my bosses was a past master in such authoritative expressions and always succeeded in making his point all the way.
Another superior of mine had developed an uncanny method of brushing aside unwanted pleas by continuing to sign some papers with frequent interjections of 'beg your pardon' while you strive to entangle him in the web of your yarn.
'Beg your pardon' can be pathetic. Anguish and consternation can be effectively ventilated through this phrase. If disenchanted or disillusioned by your tormentor you may render 'I beg your pardon, sir' in such a hurt and harassed voice, as to convey your sentiments to the hilt. But your countenance should also be that of a distressed person.

While saying 'beg your pardon', one can portray a romantic character too. Imagine the boss leaning towards his pretty secretary and whispering in a husky tone 'beg your pardon', pretending not to understand her sweet utterances. "Beg your pardon" can become a symphony in semantics. There is the case of that sweet little thing who intones 'I beg your pardon, sir', and a thousand bells jingle for you.
Beg your pardon, for I seem to be drifting from the main theme.